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Front[?25l[?25hmatter check[?25l[?25h:[?25l[?25h

• Title[?25l[?25h:[?25l[?25h “Your[?25l[?25h Next $[?25l[?25h1,[?25l[?25h400 Phone[?25l[?25h Has Feel[?25l[?25hings Now[?25l[?25h, Apparently[?25l[?25h” -[?25l[?25h good[?25l[?25h
• Description[?25l[?25h: Under[?25l[?25h 160[?25l[?25h chars?[?25l[?25h “Smart[?25l[?25hphone makers[?25l[?25h keep adding[?25l[?25h AI features[?25l[?25h  nobody asked[?25l[?25h for while[?25l[?25h ignoring the[?25l[?25h basics.[?25l[?25h Here’s why[?25l[?25h your wallet[?25l[?25h should b be[?25l[?25h worried.“[?25l[?25h Let’s[?25l[?25h count:[?25l[?25h ~[?25l[?25h115[?25l[?25h chars.[?25l[?25h Good.[?25l[?25h
• Date[?25l[?25h:[?25l[?25h 2026[?25l[?25h-04[?25l[?25h-08[?25l[?25hT08[?25l[?25h:00[?25l[?25h:00[?25l[?25h-04[?25l[?25h:00[?25l[?25h - matches[?25l[?25h requirement[?25l[?25h -[?25l[?25h Draft[?25l[?25h: false[?25l[?25h - yes[?25l[?25h -[?25l[?25h Categories:[?25l[?25h consumer-tech[?25l[?25h - yes[?25l[?25h -[?25l[?25h Tags:[?25l[?25h smartphones,[?25l[?25h ai-h[?25l[?25hype,[?25l[?25h flagship-[?25l[?25hphones,[?25l[?25h tech-re[?25l[?25hviews,[?25l[?25h consumer-elect[?25l[?25h consumer-electronics -[?25l[?25h that’s[?25l[?25h 5,[?25l[?25h good.[?25l[?25h

Formatting[?25l[?25h looks[?25l[?25h correct[?25l[?25h.[?25l[?25h …done thinking.

title[?25l[?25h: “[?25l[?25hYour Next[?25l[?25h $1[?25l[?25h,400[?25l[?25h Phone Has[?25l[?25h Feelings[?25l[?25h Now,[?25l[?25h Apparently"[?25l[?25h description:[?25l[?25h “Smart[?25l[?25hphone makers[?25l[?25h keep adding[?25l[?25h AI features[?25l[?25h nobody asked[?25l[?25h for wh while[?25l[?25h ignoring the[?25l[?25h basics.[?25l[?25h Here’s why[?25l[?25h your wallet[?25l[?25h should be[?25l[?25h worried.“[?25l[?25h date:[?25l[?25h 202[?25l[?25h6-[?25l[?25h04-[?25l[?25h08T[?25l[?25h08:[?25l[?25h00:[?25l[?25h00-[?25l[?25h04:[?25l[?25h00[?25l[?25h draft:[?25l[?25h false[?25l[?25h categories:[?25l[?25h

• consumer[?25l[?25h-tech[?25l[?25h tags:[?25l[?25h
• smartphones[?25l[?25h -[?25l[?25h ai-h[?25l[?25hype[?25l[?25h
• flagship[?25l[?25h-phones[?25l[?25h -[?25l[?25h tech-re[?25l[?25hviews[?25l[?25h
• consumer[?25l[?25h-electronics[?25l[?25h —[?25l[?25h

#[?25l[?25h Your Next[?25l[?25h $1[?25l[?25h,400[?25l[?25h Phone Has[?25l[?25h Feelings[?25l[?25h Now,[?25l[?25h Apparently[?25l[?25h

**[?25l[?25hSmartphone[?25l[?25h makers have[?25l[?25h officially run[?25l[?25h out of[?25l[?25h ideas,[?25l[?25h so they[?25l[?25h’re giving[?25l[?25h you your camera[?25l[?25h an existential[?25l[?25h crisis.**[?25l[?25h

I spent[?25l[?25h three weeks[?25l[?25h with Samsung[?25l[?25h’s new[?25l[?25h Galaxy S[?25l[?25h26 Ultra[?25l[?25h, and[?25l[?25h I have[?25l[?25h a confe confession[?25l[?25h: I[?25l[?25h’m terrified[?25l[?25h of it[?25l[?25h. Not[?25l[?25h because it[?25l[?25h’s powerful[?25l[?25h,[?25l[?25h but because[?25l[?25h the the camera[?25l[?25h kept asking[?25l[?25h if I[?25l[?25h was “[?25l[?25hemotionally[?25l[?25h ready"[?25l[?25h to take[?25l[?25h a photo[?25l[?25h of my[?25l[?25h l lunch.[?25l[?25h

Welcome to[?25l[?25h 202[?25l[?25h6,[?25l[?25h where flagship[?25l[?25h phones cost[?25l[?25h the same[?25l[?25h as a[?25l[?25h used Honda[?25l[?25h Civic  but[?25l[?25h break just[?25l[?25h as easily[?25l[?25h. The[?25l[?25h S26[?25l[?25h Ultra ret[?25l[?25hails for[?25l[?25h $1[?25l[?25h,399[?25l[?25h, which[?25l[?25h buys you[?25l[?25h  256[?25l[?25hGB of[?25l[?25h storage,[?25l[?25h a[?25l[?25h 200-meg[?25l[?25hapixel sensor[?25l[?25h, and[?25l[?25h an AI[?25l[?25h assistant that[?25l[?25h suggeste suggested[?25l[?25h I “[?25l[?25hjournal my[?25l[?25h feelings"[?25l[?25h after I[?25l[?25h dropped it[?25l[?25h on concrete[?25l[?25h.

The[?25l[?25h specs are[?25l[?25h absurd on[?25l[?25h paper.[?25l[?25h The[?25l[?25h 6.[?25l[?25h9-inch[?25l[?25h Dynamic AM[?25l[?25hOLED[?25l[?25h display hits[?25l[?25h 3[?25l[?25h,5 3,500[?25l[?25h nits[?25l[?25h brightness—[?25l[?25hperfect for[?25l[?25h blinding[?25l[?25h yourself at[?25l[?25h 3[?25l[?25h AM while[?25l[?25h doom[?25l[?25h-scro doom-scrolling[?25l[?25h. There[?25l[?25h’s[?25l[?25h 16GB[?25l[?25h of RAM[?25l[?25h, more[?25l[?25h than most[?25l[?25h laptops had[?25l[?25h in[?25l[?25h 2020[?25l[?25h. Ye Yet[?25l[?25h somehow,[?25l[?25h with all[?25l[?25h this silicon[?25l[?25h, the[?25l[?25h battery still[?25l[?25h dies by[?25l[?25h dinner time[?25l[?25h i if you[?25l[?25h actually use[?25l[?25h the device[?25l[?25h.

Samsung[?25l[?25h claims[?25l[?25h 18 hours[?25l[?25h of video[?25l[?25h playback.[?25l[?25h In reality[?25l[?25h? I[?25l[?25h got[?25l[?25h 6 hours[?25l[?25h and[?25l[?25h 47 47 minutes[?25l[?25h of mixed[?25l[?25h use before[?25l[?25h the “[?25l[?25hEmotional[?25l[?25h Intelligence Battery[?25l[?25h Manager"[?25l[?25h Manager” started gu[?25l[?25hilting[?25l[?25h me about[?25l[?25h screen time[?25l[?25h. Thanks[?25l[?25h, I[?25l[?25h needed my[?25l[?25h phone t to[?25l[?25h parent me[?25l[?25h while it[?25l[?25h was[?25l[?25h dying.[?25l[?25h

The camera[?25l[?25h system is[?25l[?25h technically impressive[?25l[?25h. The[?25l[?25h 10[?25l[?25hx optical[?25l[?25h zoom can[?25l[?25h read  street[?25l[?25h signs from[?25l[?25h three blocks[?25l[?25h away.[?25l[?25h But Samsung[?25l[?25h’s new[?25l[?25h “V[?25l[?25hibe Check[?25l[?25h” AI[?25l[?25h keep keeps auto[?25l[?25h-enhancing[?25l[?25h photos to[?25l[?25h match your[?25l[?25h “current[?25l[?25h mood profile[?25l[?25h.” My[?25l[?25h pictur picture of[?25l[?25h a parking[?25l[?25h lot got[?25l[?25h filtered into[?25l[?25h “mel[?25l[?25hancholic[?25l[?25h sunset"[?25l[?25h because the[?25l[?25h the phone detected[?25l[?25h I hadn[?25l[?25h’t smiled[?25l[?25h in two[?25l[?25h hours.[?25l[?25h Creepy[?25l[?25h? Absolutely[?25l[?25h. Useful[?25l[?25h Useful? De[?25l[?25hbatable[?25l[?25h.

Apple[?25l[?25h’s i[?25l[?25hPhone[?25l[?25h 17 Pro[?25l[?25h isn’t[?25l[?25h better.[?25l[?25h It costs[?25l[?25h $1[?25l[?25h,599[?25l[?25h for the[?25l[?25h base model[?25l[?25h and  introduces[?25l[?25h “Spatial[?25l[?25h Feelings[?25l[?25h,” which[?25l[?25h uses the[?25l[?25h LiD[?25l[?25hAR scanner[?25l[?25h to measure[?25l[?25h the  emotional[?25l[?25h temperature of[?25l[?25h rooms.[?25l[?25h I tested[?25l[?25h it in[?25l[?25h my apartment[?25l[?25h. It[?25l[?25h said “[?25l[?25hlonel “lonely[?25l[?25h.” Thanks[?25l[?25h, Tim[?25l[?25h.

The[?25l[?25h real problem[?25l[?25h isn’t[?25l[?25h the gimm[?25l[?25hicks.[?25l[?25h It’s[?25l[?25h that we[?25l[?25h’re paying[?25l[?25h luxury prices[?25l[?25h f for incremental[?25l[?25h updates wrapped[?25l[?25h in therapy[?25l[?25h-speak[?25l[?25h. The[?25l[?25h S26[?25l[?25h is[?25l[?25h 0.[?25l[?25h3mm[?25l[?25h thinner  than[?25l[?25h last year[?25l[?25h’s model[?25l[?25h. Wow[?25l[?25h. Revolutionary[?25l[?25h. That[?25l[?25h extra slim[?25l[?25hness required[?25l[?25h re removing the[?25l[?25h headphone jack[?25l[?25h, the[?25l[?25h SIM tray[?25l[?25h, and[?25l[?25h apparently,[?25l[?25h any sense[?25l[?25h of sha shame[?25l[?25h from the[?25l[?25h design team[?25l[?25h.

Review[?25l[?25hers keep[?25l[?25h giving these[?25l[?25h things[?25l[?25h 4.[?25l[?25h5 stars[?25l[?25h because the[?25l[?25h screens are[?25l[?25h pretty pretty and[?25l[?25h the chips[?25l[?25h are fast[?25l[?25h. But[?25l[?25h we’re[?25l[?25h grading on[?25l[?25h a curve[?25l[?25h that’s[?25l[?25h destroyi destroying bank[?25l[?25h accounts.[?25l[?25h When did[?25l[?25h “does[?25l[?25hn’t[?25l[?25h explode"[?25l[?25h become the[?25l[?25h baseline fo for[?25l[?25h $1[?25l[?25h,400[?25l[?25h?

Here[?25l[?25h’s the[?25l[?25h truth:[?25l[?25h Your three[?25l[?25h-year-old[?25l[?25h phone is[?25l[?25h fine.[?25l[?25h The S[?25l[?25h23 or[?25l[?25h iPhone[?25l[?25h 14[?25l[?25h i in your[?25l[?25h pocket performs[?25l[?25h 90[?25l[?25h% of[?25l[?25h the tasks[?25l[?25h these new[?25l[?25h AI-[?25l[?25htherapy devices[?25l[?25h handl handle,[?25l[?25h minus[?25l[?25h the digital[?25l[?25h cond[?25l[?25hescension[?25l[?25h. Unless[?25l[?25h you absolutely[?25l[?25h need to[?25l[?25h phot photograph individual[?25l[?25h pixels on[?25l[?25h the moon[?25l[?25h,[?25l[?25h skip this[?25l[?25h generation.[?25l[?25h

Put that[?25l[?25h $1[?25l[?25h,400[?25l[?25h into literally[?25l[?25h anything[?25l[?25h else.[?25l[?25h Your future[?25l[?25h self—and[?25l[?25h your cur current[?25l[?25h emotional stability[?25l[?25h—will[?25l[?25h thank you[?25l[?25h.[?25l[?25h[?25l[?25h

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